Hallowed corpses
I cannot see where this is leading me too. The final answer betrays me. I'm in need of retribution from an unknown enemy. It is a botheration that seems to be getting the better of me as time flies by with heavy wings. I ride of the crosswinds of hope, blissfully unaware of the next surprise that anticipates my arrival with a cruel grin. I'm lost in a Rubic's cube where all the seperate small squares hold a differnent pattern. I have images and words playing in my head in a random pattern reminiscent of the pandemonium in a lunatic's mind. I have passed my existence in a mortified manner, and now I'm a veritable puppet searching for a shelter.
I'm a menace waiting to devour you of your daily needs. I'm misery waiting to supplement your emotions. I'm soliloquy understanding the mirror images in your words. I'm here with one intention.
Drown with me. I will not allow myself to disappear alone
Monday, October 31, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
26.10.05,Neville Creek Road,Fairfax, Montreal.
Hello.
I seem to be growing a little weary of mysurroundings, I guess. Because it has been a while since I last spoke to you. Eerie, actually. Hey, areyou still drinking that soda pop stuff that momwas so vehement about us not having? Didn’t shesay something like “it wears your teeth away”?
Anyway, I do hope you’re keeping up well on yourpart. As far as I’m concerned, things seem to begoing according to plan. Mostly, that is. Otherwiseit’s really a sorry state of affairs that hardly seemsto bother anybody. Not that I’m complaining oranything. It’s just that it’s a tremendous burdenfor me to carry around now. Last time I talked toMa she was very unsure of herself, let alone me. Idon’t know what prompted her, but she was verysure of the fact that she didn’t want me aroundthen. It was very unsettling, but I don’t think Ishould be blaming her. I mean, things have been soblurry in the past two years that you somehow losetrack of time. And suddenly there you are lookingat the mirror straight up and reminiscing aboutwhat you did. Retrospect is a killer, man. I neverthought that I’d dig so deep some day that climbingout would be a challenge.
I didn’t want you to be indicted into this because of me. In the past, you’ve had enough trouble keepingme away from trouble. Last year when I came toyou asking for help, Ma got so livid. She hasn’tbeen the same lately. And frankly, she seems veryhostile. It’s bummer, really. I don’t remember doingsomething intentionally just to unsettle her. It’sjust my methodology. It’s so very uncharacteristicand unconventional. She always had problemscoming to terms with it. She just never came toterms with me, I guess. That’s what she told mewith a straight face.That she never did and never will come to termswith me or my actions, no matter how much Irectify myself or my methods.
She still blames me for Dad’s death. She does notmince words when it comes to Dad. He was the idealfor the whole family. I just cannot get that day outof my head. I mean, I was in the car too. Her versionis that I did not call 911 too soon. Was it really myfault? I was just too shocked from all the blood- his and mine. That was the car he loved, nurtured andlived. I took it away from him and it in turn tookhim away from her. And us, in a way.
Does she still talk to you about me? Not that I expecther to, but yes, somewhere down inside I do feel thatshe does want to. Her trauma is justified, but only to a certain extent.
Enough of me. What is with you these days?Ok..First let me clarify something. You must bewondering “Why is this creep writing to me?”. Idon’t blame you. I just did not have anything elseto do. I’m just waiting for tommorow. Eagerly.Booked my flight to Chicago. Will be gone for along time. And believe me, this time, I am notgonna come back grovelling and beg you guys forhelp. I have done enough of that.
So Ted is four now? He grew up fast. Am I still hisfavourite uncle? Not that he has a choice, but still.It’s nice being somebody’s favourite. Oh.. I almostforgot. Me and Linda broke up. Same old differences. I don’t reciprocate, I don’t yield, I don’ttry. All of it was there in her speech that reeked ofmonotony- Her’s. She said that she found thisrestaurant guy from uptown whom she’s beenseeing for about three months now, and that he’s allthat I’m not. And more. So I got a little bold andasked her if he’s all that I am. I did get her on thatone. She was a little stupified. Didn’t really expectme to be that caustic with her, which was anotherone of her complaints, by the way, becauseaccording to her, I just was never man enough.So she just packed up and left. The apartment hasbeen empty for sometime now. I really did like herand even felt that with this new job, I might betaking us somewhere. I guess all’s well that endswell, huh?
I’m confused Tim. I’m lost and I feel betrayed. I’mthoroughly mismanaged. I’m so much in a tangle.I get giddy just going downtown to buy my groceries. I have not quit smoking. It just keepsincreasing exponentially. I have been doing toomuch grass too, unfortunately. I don’t know how toexplain that to you, but that’s possibly the onlytime of the day when I feel safe in my own own crusty mould that I have created for myself to sleepin. I feel pure. I’m my own God at that time and ina few hours time, I’m brooding again when the high disappears. It’s fucking pathetic, don’t you think?Giving myself an extended inertial boost ofsatisfaction when there is none lying around? Itwas my own ambition to prove myself worthy ofmy own self at some point in life. I have no idea asto when that is gonna happen. Surprisingly, I don’tfeel pressured right now. I feel a little upbeat. Maybeit’s the weather. It’s been awfully cloudy. I thinkit’s going to hail tonight. Somehow I seem to drawlittle doses of strength from misery. Yes, laugh allyou can at my double standards. It’s the truth. I’m actually smiling now.
I have to go finish up the last of my packing.There’s not a lot to take. I just want to make surethat I’m not carrying any extra baggage, lest Imake a tragic compromise yet again andsomething makes me wander back to Fairfax. I amsure that I don’t want to be back here. Too manymemories too handle. Too many grudges to wallow through.
You take care of yourself. And give Holly all thatshe needs. She’s been a great friend to me. I cannotthank her enough. Her Spanish ommelettes andchocolate shakes are the best ever. Give my love toTed. All of it. I don’t want to get on his bad side!So…This is it then. Adios, chum. Cannot promiseor even tell you when I’m going to get back to you.It’s not going to be soon. I don’t know if it’s evergonna be. But you’ll always be my family. Youcame back for me. I’ll never forget that.
Thanks for everything. And more.Pete..
Hello.
I seem to be growing a little weary of mysurroundings, I guess. Because it has been a while since I last spoke to you. Eerie, actually. Hey, areyou still drinking that soda pop stuff that momwas so vehement about us not having? Didn’t shesay something like “it wears your teeth away”?
Anyway, I do hope you’re keeping up well on yourpart. As far as I’m concerned, things seem to begoing according to plan. Mostly, that is. Otherwiseit’s really a sorry state of affairs that hardly seemsto bother anybody. Not that I’m complaining oranything. It’s just that it’s a tremendous burdenfor me to carry around now. Last time I talked toMa she was very unsure of herself, let alone me. Idon’t know what prompted her, but she was verysure of the fact that she didn’t want me aroundthen. It was very unsettling, but I don’t think Ishould be blaming her. I mean, things have been soblurry in the past two years that you somehow losetrack of time. And suddenly there you are lookingat the mirror straight up and reminiscing aboutwhat you did. Retrospect is a killer, man. I neverthought that I’d dig so deep some day that climbingout would be a challenge.
I didn’t want you to be indicted into this because of me. In the past, you’ve had enough trouble keepingme away from trouble. Last year when I came toyou asking for help, Ma got so livid. She hasn’tbeen the same lately. And frankly, she seems veryhostile. It’s bummer, really. I don’t remember doingsomething intentionally just to unsettle her. It’sjust my methodology. It’s so very uncharacteristicand unconventional. She always had problemscoming to terms with it. She just never came toterms with me, I guess. That’s what she told mewith a straight face.That she never did and never will come to termswith me or my actions, no matter how much Irectify myself or my methods.
She still blames me for Dad’s death. She does notmince words when it comes to Dad. He was the idealfor the whole family. I just cannot get that day outof my head. I mean, I was in the car too. Her versionis that I did not call 911 too soon. Was it really myfault? I was just too shocked from all the blood- his and mine. That was the car he loved, nurtured andlived. I took it away from him and it in turn tookhim away from her. And us, in a way.
Does she still talk to you about me? Not that I expecther to, but yes, somewhere down inside I do feel thatshe does want to. Her trauma is justified, but only to a certain extent.
Enough of me. What is with you these days?Ok..First let me clarify something. You must bewondering “Why is this creep writing to me?”. Idon’t blame you. I just did not have anything elseto do. I’m just waiting for tommorow. Eagerly.Booked my flight to Chicago. Will be gone for along time. And believe me, this time, I am notgonna come back grovelling and beg you guys forhelp. I have done enough of that.
So Ted is four now? He grew up fast. Am I still hisfavourite uncle? Not that he has a choice, but still.It’s nice being somebody’s favourite. Oh.. I almostforgot. Me and Linda broke up. Same old differences. I don’t reciprocate, I don’t yield, I don’ttry. All of it was there in her speech that reeked ofmonotony- Her’s. She said that she found thisrestaurant guy from uptown whom she’s beenseeing for about three months now, and that he’s allthat I’m not. And more. So I got a little bold andasked her if he’s all that I am. I did get her on thatone. She was a little stupified. Didn’t really expectme to be that caustic with her, which was anotherone of her complaints, by the way, becauseaccording to her, I just was never man enough.So she just packed up and left. The apartment hasbeen empty for sometime now. I really did like herand even felt that with this new job, I might betaking us somewhere. I guess all’s well that endswell, huh?
I’m confused Tim. I’m lost and I feel betrayed. I’mthoroughly mismanaged. I’m so much in a tangle.I get giddy just going downtown to buy my groceries. I have not quit smoking. It just keepsincreasing exponentially. I have been doing toomuch grass too, unfortunately. I don’t know how toexplain that to you, but that’s possibly the onlytime of the day when I feel safe in my own own crusty mould that I have created for myself to sleepin. I feel pure. I’m my own God at that time and ina few hours time, I’m brooding again when the high disappears. It’s fucking pathetic, don’t you think?Giving myself an extended inertial boost ofsatisfaction when there is none lying around? Itwas my own ambition to prove myself worthy ofmy own self at some point in life. I have no idea asto when that is gonna happen. Surprisingly, I don’tfeel pressured right now. I feel a little upbeat. Maybeit’s the weather. It’s been awfully cloudy. I thinkit’s going to hail tonight. Somehow I seem to drawlittle doses of strength from misery. Yes, laugh allyou can at my double standards. It’s the truth. I’m actually smiling now.
I have to go finish up the last of my packing.There’s not a lot to take. I just want to make surethat I’m not carrying any extra baggage, lest Imake a tragic compromise yet again andsomething makes me wander back to Fairfax. I amsure that I don’t want to be back here. Too manymemories too handle. Too many grudges to wallow through.
You take care of yourself. And give Holly all thatshe needs. She’s been a great friend to me. I cannotthank her enough. Her Spanish ommelettes andchocolate shakes are the best ever. Give my love toTed. All of it. I don’t want to get on his bad side!So…This is it then. Adios, chum. Cannot promiseor even tell you when I’m going to get back to you.It’s not going to be soon. I don’t know if it’s evergonna be. But you’ll always be my family. Youcame back for me. I’ll never forget that.
Thanks for everything. And more.Pete..
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Dusk to Dawn
I wait by the sea.
The sands coalesce at my toes.
Winds blow from the East.
I look at the waters for easy company.
Easy come, easy go.
Not a care in the world.
Touching the shore for an instant,
And retreating in haste.
Prying eyes weigh down on my back.
I do my best to lose them.
The more I evade, the more they persist.
Eating me slowly. Parasite.
The rains come down now.
Slowly at first. And then they break loose.
The imprisonment of a thousand years breaks.
Wrecking sweet torrential havoc on my prime.
It washes me away,
Streaking my body in unnatural warmth.
I drench myself in my forsaken misery.
Smiling through the ordeal.
I have never known freedom.
I was never given any.
I opened my arms to the grey sky,
Begging to be embraced.
The sands at my feet are smoother now,
The rain refusing to betray me.
I gather the sand in clumps,
A constant reminder of my former self.
The eyes are distant now, but ever piercing.
Their glare fades with the coming light.
I gather my thoughts for a new hour,
Body perspiring with beads of aspiration.
The horizon looks fuller now,
Heralding in a new dawn.
I turn to walk in the direction of Home.
For I have to start over anew.
I wait by the sea.
The sands coalesce at my toes.
Winds blow from the East.
I look at the waters for easy company.
Easy come, easy go.
Not a care in the world.
Touching the shore for an instant,
And retreating in haste.
Prying eyes weigh down on my back.
I do my best to lose them.
The more I evade, the more they persist.
Eating me slowly. Parasite.
The rains come down now.
Slowly at first. And then they break loose.
The imprisonment of a thousand years breaks.
Wrecking sweet torrential havoc on my prime.
It washes me away,
Streaking my body in unnatural warmth.
I drench myself in my forsaken misery.
Smiling through the ordeal.
I have never known freedom.
I was never given any.
I opened my arms to the grey sky,
Begging to be embraced.
The sands at my feet are smoother now,
The rain refusing to betray me.
I gather the sand in clumps,
A constant reminder of my former self.
The eyes are distant now, but ever piercing.
Their glare fades with the coming light.
I gather my thoughts for a new hour,
Body perspiring with beads of aspiration.
The horizon looks fuller now,
Heralding in a new dawn.
I turn to walk in the direction of Home.
For I have to start over anew.
CHANGES
He adorns your crown of hate.
Feeding on your lust for grace.
He pushes you to your limits.
Judging you on your capabilities.
Only the strong survive, or so they say.
His nails claw at your back,
Asking you to redeem your strength.
His sneer mocks at your incompetence.
He is rooting for you to fail.
His velvety voice lashes you like a whip.
His charcoal eyes pierce your conscience.
He changes you according to his will.
He is the master. You are putty.
He taunts. He teases. He trades.
Your self made innocence for a life of subjugation.
You cry out in fear as he binds you in his spell.
Escape is futile. The tides have turned.
You do his bidding. Choice is not a luxury with you.
Days have passed when you were looked up to.
You are now a derelict in the passages of Time.
Your existence is a question itself.
The Soul has passed beyond your reach.
Deafening silence has engulfed you in.
The deep chasm created in your fate.
That corroborates with your unclean self.
You had the choice when you had the will.
The tempting thoughts should have been a distant memory.
But things took a turn, you know not how.
You are now that which should not be.
He adorns your crown of hate.
Feeding on your lust for grace.
He pushes you to your limits.
Judging you on your capabilities.
Only the strong survive, or so they say.
His nails claw at your back,
Asking you to redeem your strength.
His sneer mocks at your incompetence.
He is rooting for you to fail.
His velvety voice lashes you like a whip.
His charcoal eyes pierce your conscience.
He changes you according to his will.
He is the master. You are putty.
He taunts. He teases. He trades.
Your self made innocence for a life of subjugation.
You cry out in fear as he binds you in his spell.
Escape is futile. The tides have turned.
You do his bidding. Choice is not a luxury with you.
Days have passed when you were looked up to.
You are now a derelict in the passages of Time.
Your existence is a question itself.
The Soul has passed beyond your reach.
Deafening silence has engulfed you in.
The deep chasm created in your fate.
That corroborates with your unclean self.
You had the choice when you had the will.
The tempting thoughts should have been a distant memory.
But things took a turn, you know not how.
You are now that which should not be.
SHAMBLES………….
On the bed of hope. She lay.
Twisting. Turning. Crooning.
Slow erotica.
Unabashed feelings.
Her arms beckon to me. Come.
Her scent. Amorous. Percolates the air.
Crooked smile.
Winning ways.
I fell long before.
Incarcerated here I lie. Love sick fool.
Waiting for someone to cut me loose.
Ropes penetrate my wrists.
Blood runs. Cold.
Time moves. Slow.
Mind and heart locked in discontent.
I adore her. I worship her.
I loathe her so.
All reason perfectly.
I am torn to my soul.
Looking up at the harsh light I find,
My eyes blacked out from reality.
Memories conjure.
Words find a way.
I grow a voice anew.
"Rip off the shackles", I speak.
"Slave I will be no more."
I turn to see what I leave behind.
No.
The heart will ache for it no more.
On the bed of hope. She lay.
Twisting. Turning. Crooning.
Slow erotica.
Unabashed feelings.
Her arms beckon to me. Come.
Her scent. Amorous. Percolates the air.
Crooked smile.
Winning ways.
I fell long before.
Incarcerated here I lie. Love sick fool.
Waiting for someone to cut me loose.
Ropes penetrate my wrists.
Blood runs. Cold.
Time moves. Slow.
Mind and heart locked in discontent.
I adore her. I worship her.
I loathe her so.
All reason perfectly.
I am torn to my soul.
Looking up at the harsh light I find,
My eyes blacked out from reality.
Memories conjure.
Words find a way.
I grow a voice anew.
"Rip off the shackles", I speak.
"Slave I will be no more."
I turn to see what I leave behind.
No.
The heart will ache for it no more.
BLACKENED
I dream in pitch black,
Lined by grazes of white.
Neon shines through glazed eyes tonight.
Thoughts seem to get heavy on my mind.
Obscured by darkness,
I lie on the grass.
Back aching with haggard misery,
I quieten myself somehow.
My eyes are damp with tears of hate.
I know not where they came from.
I stare unflinchingly at the darkness,
As if bracing myself for someone.
In retrospect in my dream I see,
Blurry images of days long past.
Different people. Different faces. Different souls.
Unchanged soul.
Some I know. Some I do not.
How they call me to them now.
I reach out for them.
My strength falters somehow.
The tears come again…… Hate and anguish.
I cry myself to sleep on the grass.
I will dream in pitch black again.
It gets darker every night.
I dream in pitch black,
Lined by grazes of white.
Neon shines through glazed eyes tonight.
Thoughts seem to get heavy on my mind.
Obscured by darkness,
I lie on the grass.
Back aching with haggard misery,
I quieten myself somehow.
My eyes are damp with tears of hate.
I know not where they came from.
I stare unflinchingly at the darkness,
As if bracing myself for someone.
In retrospect in my dream I see,
Blurry images of days long past.
Different people. Different faces. Different souls.
Unchanged soul.
Some I know. Some I do not.
How they call me to them now.
I reach out for them.
My strength falters somehow.
The tears come again…… Hate and anguish.
I cry myself to sleep on the grass.
I will dream in pitch black again.
It gets darker every night.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
