26.10.05,Neville Creek Road,Fairfax, Montreal.
Hello.
I seem to be growing a little weary of mysurroundings, I guess. Because it has been a while since I last spoke to you. Eerie, actually. Hey, areyou still drinking that soda pop stuff that momwas so vehement about us not having? Didn’t shesay something like “it wears your teeth away”?
Anyway, I do hope you’re keeping up well on yourpart. As far as I’m concerned, things seem to begoing according to plan. Mostly, that is. Otherwiseit’s really a sorry state of affairs that hardly seemsto bother anybody. Not that I’m complaining oranything. It’s just that it’s a tremendous burdenfor me to carry around now. Last time I talked toMa she was very unsure of herself, let alone me. Idon’t know what prompted her, but she was verysure of the fact that she didn’t want me aroundthen. It was very unsettling, but I don’t think Ishould be blaming her. I mean, things have been soblurry in the past two years that you somehow losetrack of time. And suddenly there you are lookingat the mirror straight up and reminiscing aboutwhat you did. Retrospect is a killer, man. I neverthought that I’d dig so deep some day that climbingout would be a challenge.
I didn’t want you to be indicted into this because of me. In the past, you’ve had enough trouble keepingme away from trouble. Last year when I came toyou asking for help, Ma got so livid. She hasn’tbeen the same lately. And frankly, she seems veryhostile. It’s bummer, really. I don’t remember doingsomething intentionally just to unsettle her. It’sjust my methodology. It’s so very uncharacteristicand unconventional. She always had problemscoming to terms with it. She just never came toterms with me, I guess. That’s what she told mewith a straight face.That she never did and never will come to termswith me or my actions, no matter how much Irectify myself or my methods.
She still blames me for Dad’s death. She does notmince words when it comes to Dad. He was the idealfor the whole family. I just cannot get that day outof my head. I mean, I was in the car too. Her versionis that I did not call 911 too soon. Was it really myfault? I was just too shocked from all the blood- his and mine. That was the car he loved, nurtured andlived. I took it away from him and it in turn tookhim away from her. And us, in a way.
Does she still talk to you about me? Not that I expecther to, but yes, somewhere down inside I do feel thatshe does want to. Her trauma is justified, but only to a certain extent.
Enough of me. What is with you these days?Ok..First let me clarify something. You must bewondering “Why is this creep writing to me?”. Idon’t blame you. I just did not have anything elseto do. I’m just waiting for tommorow. Eagerly.Booked my flight to Chicago. Will be gone for along time. And believe me, this time, I am notgonna come back grovelling and beg you guys forhelp. I have done enough of that.
So Ted is four now? He grew up fast. Am I still hisfavourite uncle? Not that he has a choice, but still.It’s nice being somebody’s favourite. Oh.. I almostforgot. Me and Linda broke up. Same old differences. I don’t reciprocate, I don’t yield, I don’ttry. All of it was there in her speech that reeked ofmonotony- Her’s. She said that she found thisrestaurant guy from uptown whom she’s beenseeing for about three months now, and that he’s allthat I’m not. And more. So I got a little bold andasked her if he’s all that I am. I did get her on thatone. She was a little stupified. Didn’t really expectme to be that caustic with her, which was anotherone of her complaints, by the way, becauseaccording to her, I just was never man enough.So she just packed up and left. The apartment hasbeen empty for sometime now. I really did like herand even felt that with this new job, I might betaking us somewhere. I guess all’s well that endswell, huh?
I’m confused Tim. I’m lost and I feel betrayed. I’mthoroughly mismanaged. I’m so much in a tangle.I get giddy just going downtown to buy my groceries. I have not quit smoking. It just keepsincreasing exponentially. I have been doing toomuch grass too, unfortunately. I don’t know how toexplain that to you, but that’s possibly the onlytime of the day when I feel safe in my own own crusty mould that I have created for myself to sleepin. I feel pure. I’m my own God at that time and ina few hours time, I’m brooding again when the high disappears. It’s fucking pathetic, don’t you think?Giving myself an extended inertial boost ofsatisfaction when there is none lying around? Itwas my own ambition to prove myself worthy ofmy own self at some point in life. I have no idea asto when that is gonna happen. Surprisingly, I don’tfeel pressured right now. I feel a little upbeat. Maybeit’s the weather. It’s been awfully cloudy. I thinkit’s going to hail tonight. Somehow I seem to drawlittle doses of strength from misery. Yes, laugh allyou can at my double standards. It’s the truth. I’m actually smiling now.
I have to go finish up the last of my packing.There’s not a lot to take. I just want to make surethat I’m not carrying any extra baggage, lest Imake a tragic compromise yet again andsomething makes me wander back to Fairfax. I amsure that I don’t want to be back here. Too manymemories too handle. Too many grudges to wallow through.

You take care of yourself. And give Holly all thatshe needs. She’s been a great friend to me. I cannotthank her enough. Her Spanish ommelettes andchocolate shakes are the best ever. Give my love toTed. All of it. I don’t want to get on his bad side!So…This is it then. Adios, chum. Cannot promiseor even tell you when I’m going to get back to you.It’s not going to be soon. I don’t know if it’s evergonna be. But you’ll always be my family. Youcame back for me. I’ll never forget that.

Thanks for everything. And more.Pete..